I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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