every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
