M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
