my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
