My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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