woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm getting married
To pizza
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
