Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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