I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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