I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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