Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
