Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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