I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
