remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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