i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
