i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize