you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
