After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I want her autograph on my taint
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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