we're chasing vodka with high fives
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
