So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
