peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
