her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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