and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
