instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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