somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
