can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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