you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
