1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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