I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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