it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
