My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
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Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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