watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The air was thick with penises
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
