Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I touched a dick in church today
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
