this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
