dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
