And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
