Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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