i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
