WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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