yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
