it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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