Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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