I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
