My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We need a shit load of segways right now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
