cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
