Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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