every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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