There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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