half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
