Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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