I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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