Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
