I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
