I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
