You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
