I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
