My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
