i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
