Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
