this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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