Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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