my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
