I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
As shirtless as possible
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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